


Horton's House Of Weirdos

by Bella_Noot



Category: No Fandom
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Randomness, Weird, cringy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-20 12:07:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20227594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bella_Noot/pseuds/Bella_Noot
Summary: Horton's got everything, a wife, kids, fancy house, a dog—oops, never mind. All gone overnight. Now, the only place that he can go to is the house of weirdos: AKA his father's side of the family.





	Horton's House Of Weirdos

"Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?"

"Your mama!"

"Shut up, bimbo! We both have the same mama!"

Charolette and Sheri kicked each other under the dining table, each of the girls letting out grunts each time.

"You two need to chill." Hugo shrugged.

"And you need to go jump off a bridge!" Charolette retorted. "Hey, that was my line!" Sheri argued.

The two girls continued to kick each other. Hugo groaned, and picked at his peas. "I'm not hungry," He said.

"Tough shit." Sheri scoffed. "Sherilynn May, you are only 8, young lady!" Hannah, her mother replied angrily.

Horton chuckled. "Hann, I was cussing at the age of 5. Lighten up a little." He reasoned.

Hannah gasped, and then glared. "5?! You said 12! You're being a horrible example for our children!" She yelled.

"Mom, you need to get on your chill pills again." Charolette retorted. "Hey! She said not to call them chill pills. Idiot." Hugo said.

"Couldn't everybody just shut the fuck up and eat in peace?" Grandma Jeann said flatly, twanging her fork. Hannah gasped. "Mom!" She yelled.

"Aw, hell yeah! It's a party now!" Sheri cheered.

"Eh, glad I could help." Grandma Jeann replied, shrugging.

"Whoa. When did the clowns get here?" Hugo asked, pointing towards the minivan pulling into the driveway.

Both Hannah and Horton grew pale and shivered.

"In-laws." They shuddered in sync.

"Shit. Well, I'm going to my room. I've got a date with a bottle of Bacardi. Don't bother me." Grandma Jeann sighed, practically raiding the fridge and retreating upstairs.

Hannah crossed her arms. "This is your fault, you fix it." She said sternly to Horton.

"Yeah, you tell him, bitch!" Charolette cheered.

"HORTON!!" Hannah yelled.

"Hey, the hell did I do?" He said, throwing his arms up.

"Shut up, Horton." Sheri said.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, nonono!" Horton exclaimed. "That's shut up, Dad to you."

"You get out there right now, Horton Reggie Asher!" Hannah cried angrily.

"Alright, alright! Jesus," Horton sighed, opening the front door and walking outside. He leaned onto the hood of the minivan.

"You guys gotta go." He said.

"Kinda figured you'd say that." Aunt Margarita replied, blowing some smoke from her cigarette out the car window.

"We drove all the way here from Chicago!" Aunt Bonnie yelled at him. "Fuck you, Hortie!"

"Thanks." Horton sighed. "Gee, no problem." Aunt Bonnie sighed back in reply. "Anytime." Aunt Margarita said, blowing out more smoke.

"Shut the damn door next time, Horton!" Hannah yelled from inside, and slammed the door shut. He groaned.

"Hi, Uncle Hortie! I learned how to give somebody a bloody nose today!" Gina exclaimed. "Great! Did it work?" Horton chuckled.

"Yeah. Turns out, I also got him sent to the ER. That was when the sand got in his brain." She replied nonchalantly.

"...Right." Horton said.

"Yeah? Well, I got an A on my—" Reggie started.

"Well, you're gonna take the baby then. Have fun." Aunt Margarita said, forcing baby Lily into Horton's arms, and also getting some cigarette smoke in his face while she was at it.

He coughed, and fanned it out of his face.

"Let's get the hell out of this place, I need a beer." Aunt Bonnie said, zooming out of there as fast as she could.

All that Horton could hear was the cackling of Aunt Margarita and Bonnie as their minivan zoomed off, baby Lily fast asleep in his arms.

By the time he got inside, Grandma Jeann was passed out at the bottom of the stairs with a half empty bottle of Bacardi in hand, Hugo was silently feeding his peas to the dog, and Hannah was yelling at the girls upstairs for some reason.

He groaned, and went to go take the bottle from Grandma Jeann. "I can already tell that I'm gonna need it much more than you tonight..."

He stepped over the asleep grandmother and tried to go upstairs with the bottle.

Suddenly, he felt his ankle being grabbed, and he fell to the ground. Horton groaned in pain, and saw that Grandma Jeann was the one that tripped him.

"Give me back my damn bottle!" She yelled. "You've had enough!" He argued. "You can never get enough alcohol in this house!" She retorted, punching him in the arm.

She caught the bottle before it fell, and he clutched his throbbing arm. She scoffed. "Pussy."

And with that, Grandma Jeann went upstairs to get drunk again, and Horton laid down in the bed.

But before he could even get the covers over himself, something pushed him out of the bed.

When he looked, it was Hannah that had pushed him. She glared at him. "I'm angry at you, Horton. You're sleeping on the couch."

"What the fuck do I even do around here that gets people mad at me?" He exclaimed.

"I—I—ugh, I'm too angry to make up a valid reason. Just go lay your stupid ass down on your stupid $750 couch."

"Hey, if I'm not going to have loving children or a loving wife, might as well have comfort." He shrugged, walking back downstairs.

"I hope to hell that damn couch is gone when you get down there!"

"I can't hear you from down here, what?"

"I said, fuck you!"

"Oh, okay. Goodnight."

-

When Horton woke up, it was quiet. The only sounds were his breathing, and Lily's breathing.

That wasn't right. There was usually whining brats to be heard, and a nagging wife, and a rambling old hag. What the fuck happened?

Then, he saw a note on the table. He went, and read it, with Lily still in his arms.

_"To Horton,_

_Fuck you! Lol, staying with family. Want your kids back? Too bad. Want your beer back? Too bad._

_And even worse, we took the one thing that you thought that we could never take from you. The only thing that you ever loved._

_The dog. That's right, Butter's with us now. Oh, and you're gonna be kicked out of the house by 6:30-ish."_

Horton fell to his knees, and began to sob. "Not Butter! Noooo!" He cried.

But wait... It was 6:29. So then...

Soon, a huge wrecking ball crashed through the living room. Horton yelped like a girl.

"Whoa, what the—uh—what the fuck is this?!" He stammered. "Get out of this house." The construction worker said. "We're building a store here."

"GameStop?" Horton said hopefully.

"A shoe store..." The worker said with an ominous tone. Horton frowned. "Damn it."

Well, that brings Horton to the present. He's currently sitting on the curb, nothing to do, nowhere to be...and no dog to love.

Pathetic, eh?

But then, he realized something. There was one person that he could call, but...

It would destroy all of his dignity, and his life.

...

Fuck it.

So he picked up the payphone...

"Howdy, 'cous!"


End file.
